So Many Tears
Journal Entries from Kenya Series
Anyone who knows me well knows I am a crier — happy tears, sad tears, being moved and tearing up because of a credit card commercial. You get the picture. It's not usually full-blown tears, though that happens too. It is more like tears are always at the ready.
On this trip I cried more than I had in a very long time. It started the morning I departed home. I went in to drop my boys off at their daycare, which they love, but that particular day our son Malcolm knew was the day I was leaving for Kenya. He is almost four years old, so he understood that mommy is going on a trip, but that she will be coming back. He wasn't happy about it but handled it pretty well. Our younger son Howie is about to be two years old and he didn't really understand what was happening. He had been sensing something was up in the days leading up, but it was like it clicked for him that it was happening right then.
Howie started crying and holding onto me for dear life and I held him longer than usual because I knew I wouldn't be seeing him for the next few weeks. Shortly after, I started crying while holding him and then Malcolm came out of his classroom and grabbed onto my leg and wouldn't let go. It was brutal. I am so thankful for the boy's teachers; they were so loving and helped us navigate that heart-wrenching moment.
I left the school and went home bawling—like full-body crying. I cried on the way to the airport and calmed down, only to cry again when I said my final goodbye to my people. I thought I was more or less good until I saw a random person that I knew who asked me where I was going and the waterworks started again. Finally, as I sat in the Atlanta airport (for many hours) I settled down, with a very puffy face, and started to get present in my journey. My tears for my boys continued throughout my entire trip, though thankfully not constantly.
I wasn't surprised at the tears from me or my boys when I left; there was not a world where that wasn't going to happen. However, I was a little taken aback at how tears would be a major theme of my entire trip. Both my tears and many other people's as well.
A lot has happened since I last was in Sirembe. Multiple people I knew had died, namely our sweet Clinton who died from cancer in 2022, and our dear Vivian, who was a former JCO kiddo recently killed in a domestic abuse incident. Many of my conversations centered around these two remarkable people and everyone's grief experiences. It was tough, but also beautiful and healing. Allowing some sunlight to shine on grief with people you love and trust is always healing. Tears were often bountiful in these exchanges.
I also had a few hard conversations with two of our kiddos who made some bad choices,ended up facing the consequences of those choices, and were filled with regret and some shame. Seeing someone you love down like that is difficult to endure. However, there was something else that was present in both of those conversations—hope. And a lot of it. Both of these young adults acknowledged they had made mistakes, faced the consequences, and are now on the path to redemption. They were full of hope and determination to steer their lives back to how they wanted them to go and I think in the end these two will blow us away with just how bright their futures become.
And that brings me to my favorite kind of tears—the happy ones! I teared up daily (often more than once a day) when confronted with the positive results of the transformational work that we are doing! Honestly, I was stunned. We focus on quality over quantity. We make positive and lasting change by investing in individuals in the hopes that they will become the changemakers that their communities need. And I am here to tell you that IT WORKS!
Seeing the results of the last 15 years of this type of work is truly a sight to behold. The last time I was here most of our kiddos were still kids, but five years later there are now young adults attending college, universities or technical schools and excelling! They are kind, hardworking, funny, and compassionate. They will indeed improve their community, their country, and the world at large. I will have an entire blog about these changemakers soon!
Happy tears also came when I met our newer kiddos at the JCO for the first time. They are all wonderful little humans, most of them are shy at first, but once the stickers and bubbles and crayons come out it goes away. I teared up as I learned more of their stories of how they came to be living in our home and teared up again as I watched them play—knowing what a blessing it is for them to feel safe and loved.
Not surprisingly, as I was packing the van to leave Sirembe and I started to give my final hugs to some of my favorite people, the tears returned. I was once again leaving people that I love to return to people that I love. It's so bittersweet. The trip was a beautiful one, packed full of every emotion under the sun and I am so grateful to have experienced them all.